lightning strikes
my soul tonight
again eccentric
with the improbability.
destroy me sea
and see if it matters
I am
cursed
blessed
sailor.

After a number of friendly bouts concerning the purpose of the western church in the Kingdom, I've isolated two sinful attitudes that I need to destroy. Both of these things stem from myself and work together perfectly to produce the kind of church that I've set myself against in ideals... They are parasites on my soul.

1.) Charisma. "whoever talks the most is a leader, here" was a recent comment on the reality. I tend to be a leader type and this proves to be a problem on a platform I hardly perceive. It rests behind the eyes of everyone in my church... Because my ideals dictate: we all work together to pursue discipleship among one another in the Church and, outside the Church, we pursue service, evangelism, and further discipleship of young Christians. So let me pull two and two together. In the minds of people in my local church, I provide for many of them a service to their conscience sounding much like: "I've made it to church this week; I'm good" or "Got my Jesus fix for the next seven days" or "that was good singing and playful banter; I'm glad I was there". That's not what I'm here for, though. I provide a sword for a broken conscience to identify it's brokenness and destroy it. If everyone expects me to be the one "responsible" for discipling them and discipling everyone else then they will be sadly disappointed.
This is more like a character trait that needs to be slightly stifled in order for true strength to manifest in others. I won't carry the weight of each of their souls: I will be crushed under it all. When I stand up front and give my good ideas who is really being discipled? Are people filing for citizenship in the Kingdom of heaven or just taking a day-trip? If I am the one standing up front spouting my encouragements will others see that it is their responsibility to give encouragement to the non-believers and believers in their own midst?

2.) Convenience. The reason I haven't broken away from the church already is because of my buying into a culture of quick convenience. Everyone I am trying to disciple already gathers together on Sunday in a single place. However, this convenience proves to be the weakest link because by trying to disciple all of them in a short period of time each week, it turns out that I can disciple none of them.
Although I have mistakenly called this a desire for efficiency, it is not. It is laziness that neglects to call and meet with these people during the week, which is where real discipleship will be happening. In fact, the opposite can be said: the most efficient way to disciple is to meet individually. That is simply not convenient for me and it is simply wrong of me to think like this.

I definitely don't feel done, but I've been thinking on this for a long time and have a lot more to do today.

my heart just dropped a beat
sunk a little deeper
out of rhythm and out of time
spun that oh so slow reaper

it can't be gone
the beat that was given
all those burdens
the future
the clouds
the strife
which and who and how
and wow...

my heart just dropped a beat
sunk a little deeper
the litter lays in streams
dreams done in meter

oh phantasmal beauty
the killer of will and pride
oh the true dichotomy
of forfeit and pursuit...
my heart just dropped a beat
sunk a little deeper
steep the growing fall is
steep and a little steeper

juxtapose the better
all those pages and letters
penned by my favorite ink and style
today is still so bitter
the transparencies don't fit,
no, don't cover
i'm slain
i'm cain
wandering forever
cursed with life abundant

a far cry
those simple words
from pig's sty
and mountains
and valleys
distance incurable...
presence insurmountable

my heart just dropped two beats
and attacked
With fear and trembling
I cast myself aside
but lost upon the insides
I carry broken groans